theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
