I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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