If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
