you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
