Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
