I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
