I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
