What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
