So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
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he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
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She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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