I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
