Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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