watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
