Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I want to stick my p in your. b.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Found the puke drawer
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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