I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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