i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
