i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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