so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
