Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
