the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My liver just had a heart attack.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
