i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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