Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
