You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
