I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
