Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i will never coherently bang her
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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