enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
