So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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