I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
