The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
