just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize
