i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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