Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
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She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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