It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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