just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
