there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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