Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
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Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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