Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
