I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
