I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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