i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
