My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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