I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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