If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
