I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
