When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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