did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
