My sheets look like a crime scene.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
