If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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