I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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