Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
