Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
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Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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