dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
