So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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