Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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