This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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