Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
