i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
