I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
