the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
