I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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