He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
