Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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