We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
