just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
