I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
