dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
