I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
PANTIES FOUND
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