we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
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