The maid of honor just puked.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
